Digital Artwork ~ 'Keening' by Diana Matisz
I'm foregoing my usual writing style today for something else, simply because it wants out. This post is inspired by a Twitter friend inVinceWil and something he wrote regarding grief. This is Vince's quote:
"Grief wants to be acknowledged in order for it to leave the room. Otherwise, it will get cozy in the loveseat."
Other than writing a short poem about my brother on these pages earlier this month, I haven't written or said much about him. It's simply been too difficult. The above quote took me by the shoulders and shook some sense into me today. My grief is profound, just as it is for all of my family. I told a dear friend in the UK recently, that I've noticed I'm spending more time in my kitchen these days. Rather than writing, reading, chatting online in the comfort of my living room or bedroom, I gravitate to my kitchen table. I told my friend I'd determined the reason for this to be that I have photographs of my brother in those other rooms. When I look at his photo, I cry. I don't want to cry, so I don't look. Then I feel like a bad sister and I look, and the cycles begin again.
I've learned the fine art of keening. I've never keened before this. I've cried, sobbed, choked back tears, raved, but never keened. Not even when my beloved sister-in-law passed away years ago. This is new to me, this rocking back and forth, open-mouthed incoherent wails, sometimes no sound at all coming out....just the crippled posture of it all. I hate when it happens. It's often brought me to my knees. And it never knocks first, it just barges in, unannounced.
I fight this grief every day. I try to bury it in inconsequentials. Rename it, dissect it, steal its power. I ignore it and treat it like a plague. But thanks to Vince, I've realized that by doing these things, I've allowed grief to become a messy and greedy boarder. It has settled in happily, rent-free and is devouring my supplies.
I will lament the grievous loss of my brother for the remainder of my life. I will let grief stay for a while longer but I won't let it get cozy again.
Thank you Vince.
[ Vince is also one of my favorite writers. Please take a moment to stop and visit his words at What's In Vince L. Wilson. ]