26 November 2013

Saudade

I've been mulling over writing this post for the last few days. My hesitation stems from not being a person who is particularly self-pitying. But I've decided to go ahead and write it anyway, with the sincere hope that I don't come off that way. Sometimes dark thoughts just need a little light to turn them into dust motes.

I've suffered some losses, since last November, and I think the finality of these twelve months coming to an end has me feeling left behind somewhere; sort of slogging through repetitive days. I should feel relief that it's all behind me, but I don't. My creativity and my interest in the world around me are at an all-time low and I don't care, which is unusual for me. 

My brother died last January. I'm broken, still. As is most of my family I think. I don't talk much about it, mostly because it's unbearably painful at times. During the year, I also lost a connection with someone I love and by whom I was loved, someone who is "home" to me and will always be. I'm not really sure how the threads came apart but this loss is becoming easier to manage, without all the whys to which I'd still like answers. I've lost friends over the last twelve months; people who I thought would be with me forever. I didn't lose them to death. I lost them to indifference; theirs, not mine. Or perhaps my usefulness to them had run its course. I've lost my faith and my belief that loving someone is a gift to them. I no longer see the good in everyone. Broken.

So, loss, defined by Miriam Webster as "failure to keep or continue to have something". Other than my brother's death, can I attribute my other losses to my own failure to keep them? I don't know and may never be able to answer my own question. Loss is such a personal demon. Some of my own can hardly compare to those of poor souls who lose their homes to fires and floods or to the homeless living out on the streets in this bitter cold. I have a friend across the sea whose father is dying and the grace with which my friend accepts this loss is beautiful. I have a close friend who is ill and mourns the loss of her freedom and ability to enjoy the life she really wants to live. Loss...a demon.

Which brings me to my point. I saw a post on Facebook from a friend that brought it all into perspective for me:

"The holidays can be difficult for those who suffer loss, even if the loss was long ago. I wish all who are feeling the conflicting emotions brought by the holiday season peace, love and a return to joy."
    Kerry Elizabeth Blickenderfer Black

Kerry's thought reminded me that without loss, there can be no "return to joy". That's the way it's designed to work, the way we're designed. Loss serves to remind us of the joy we've experienced. So, I'll remember what a good man my brother was and how blessed I was to have him in my life for so many years. I'll find joy in loving someone who was good to me and for me, no matter that the threads are broken. I'll remind myself that the friends who have forgotten me, will never be forgotten because of the joy they gifted
to me.

"There are moments which mark your life. Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts, before this, and after this."
     Unknown

Find your joy, in the spaces between. Peace.

8 comments:

  1. Beautiful lady, lovely soul, you will be in my prayers, prayers for, indeed, a return to joy.

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    1. Thank you Kerry, for the inspiration.

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  2. this share is most appreciated by those of similar experiences, especially during the holidays when the tendencies are to focus on those not physically present.
    i used to drive to the space where our house we grew up in with 8 siblings and one parent, mamasita. she passed on my birthday, a brother passed on the streets of arizona alone. bothe passed alone and cold. mamasita in her azlheimer and dementia state of mind, brother homelss and unhealthy. sometimes i stare at empty spaces picturing them filling those spaces.
    friends, ah yes friends, i have also become distant from some who i thought would be here today but they left for their own reasons of indiference and i was no longer
    useful . i too have become cynical but I won't let these experiences dictate my contentment my joy.
    i so much appreciate that quote: "There are moments that mark your life. Moments you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts, before this and after this". let me add soulful wise words by Ba Ba Ram Das, 'Be here Now, Remember'

    gracias for sharing, Diana

    buena suerte, mi amiga. enjoy the now and those that will embrace/hug you. :-)

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    1. Thank you Marcoantonio for reading and especially for sharing your story here. It's very kind of you to do so. La paz sea contigo, mi amigo

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  3. Dear Lady, in pride of place on my shelves is your delightful book, the happy gain for us from your sad loss. Isn't that odd how that can happen? Can we both learn from that sad lesson? I hope we can. Go on creating your beautiful works and let us enjoy them x

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    1. And thanks to you and others who purchased the book, I'll be able to donate a nice sum to my brother's charity at the end of the year. Thank you again x

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  4. Diana, Your heart speaks of the truth in pain and loss.
    Your voice adds to those of us who now live without family and friends who made up our lives. It is so very hard to find the gift of joy each day and sometimes I don't even want to look let alone find!
    You are in my prayers and I wish you love, may love wrap itself around you this Christmas hoiday!

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    1. Thank you Joan, for sharing your thoughts. Wishes are coming to you for a beautiful holiday filled with peace ♥

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